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Vanessa is an Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Lover/Cooler Than Albert
These are two episodes of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews "Eenie Meenie" by Monty and Ferb and "Cooler Than Me" by Albert. He thinks "Eenie Meenie" is a little kid song and he thinks he (and many other people and things) are cooler than Albert. Memorable Quotes in "Vanessa is an Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Lover" Carl: Hello, I'm Carl the Intern and I listen to it because you don't want to! So, what are we doing tonight? Something good? (evil music plays as a picture of Ferb's face fills the screen) Carl: (in an evil voice)........FLEEEEEEEEEETCHEEEEEEEEEER! Ferb: (sings "One Time") Carl: Oh, I hate this kid. I'd lock him in a burning building if I had the oppurtunity. The first time I heard him sing, I wanted him dead, and that was before I got a chance to see what he looked like. Carl: I hate his stupid smirk, his stupid bowlcut hairdo, his stupid gray hoodie pulled over his head.......YOU LOOK LIKE A LOSER, FLETCHER! A LOSER! Carl: I know that Ferb is one of those artists that it's cool to hate on, but I don't hate on him just because of that. I have an iPod of uncool music that I listen to, so Fletcher is legitimately that terrible. Here he is, with his new single. (screen shows Irving dressed like Ferb) Irving: (singing) I'll.... be.... your.... long-haired lover from Liverpool, and I'll do anything you say..... Carl: ......Huh? What is this? Okay, this is obviously not Ferb Fletcher. Carl: So, Fletcher's newest song is a duet with R&B singer Monty Monogram, and hey, that's a study in contrast right there. I had the opposite reaction for Monty. I felt like I should hate him more than I already do, but I've always been amazed by Monty's existance. Look at him. (screen shows an overweigh Monty singing and failing to dance) Carl: (mocking Monty) Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. (in his regular voice) Like Ferb, Monty is in WAY over his head, but he at least seems to be aware of that. Everything that I've seen of him, he's got this big stupid smirk on his face like he's saying, "Wow! I don't belong here at all! Everyone, please let me enjoy this while I can". Carl: I have some standards. Lyrics can be bad enough to ruin a song for me. And in this case, I believe I have spotted some lyrical deficiencies. You know what, maybe let's see if you can spot them. Take a listen. Monty: Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover, shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover, shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover, shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover.... Carl:......Did you catch that? Maybe you missed it. PLAY IT AGAIN! Ferb: (repeats what Monty sang) Carl: ......Maybe a third time? No, no, I think we all spotted the major problem here. The problem here is that they use the word "a" instead of "an". You see, when the indefinite article precedes a word that begins with a vowel sound, you use the word "AN" instead of "A". Pffft, how do they miss that? Everyone involved should have realized that. That's just simple third grade material. Carl: And speaking of third grade material (screen shows a close up of Carl's face).........EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO LOVER!? HOW STUPID DO THEY THINK I AM!? Carl: I've heard bad lyrics, I've heard dumb lyrics, I've heard lazy lyrics. But this is so downright beyond that it's just......disrespectful. I feel personally insulted by this. There is no excuse. There's no explanation why anyone should have written a song that sounds like a collaboration between Coltrane and Fluttershy! Carl: This song has seven writers, including Monogram, including Fletcher, including presumably some grown ups. Why didn't one of them suddenly snap their head up and say, "Wait a minute, this is the stupidest sounding thing ever recorded! And I've never really been in love with my wife! It's all been a lie!" Monty and Ferb: Shawty is an eenie meenie miney mo lover....(keeps repeating) Carl: Normally, I do have problems with choruses that just repeat the same line over and over, I generally think songwriters should be a lot better than that, but when you start out with "shawty is an eenie meenie miney mo lover", you really don't have anywhere to take that. Carl: Here's what "eenie meenie miney mo lover" means: NOTHING! It means Ferb Fletcher thinks his fans are idiots, and he's right. Carl: Now let's look at Monty. (screen shows clips of Monty in the music video) Fat, can't dance, kinda ugly, not overlooked with dignity. Yet, he sounds like CANDACE FLYNN next to Ferb (bleep)ing Fletcher. Monty doesn't elevate himself, but he doesn't embarrass himself like Fletcher does. Fletcher's just trying so hard. Ferb: (with emotion) Shawty is an eenie meenie miney mo lover..... Carl: (sarcastically) Yes, sing it, Ferb! Ferb: (with emotion) Shawty is an eenie meenie miney mo lover.... Carl: (sarcastically) Bring every drop of emotion out of the words "eenie meenie miney mo" lover. Make sure we don't miss a moment of raw emotional passion. Make us believe that you FEEL deep down in your soul that shawty is an eenie meenie miney mo la-vah! (a picture of lava pops up) Annotation: ????? Carl: Like I was saying, the big problem I have with Ferb is that he is shamefully unaware of his own limitations. Much like Phineas Flynn building stuff six times his size, Ferb sings this unabashfully sexual songs, not realizing that his pathetic castrato voice has NOWHERE NEAR the charisma he needs to pull this off. Ferb: (singing) Let me show you what you're missing, paradise... (skips parts) So give me the night, to show you and hold you..... Carl: (sarcastically) Wow. Singing with all the raw adult emotion of a first grader asking his teacher to marry him. Awww. Monty and Ferb: (rapping) Eenie meenie miney mo, catch a bad chick by the toe. If she hollers, hollers, if she hollers, let her go.... Carl: YOU IDIOTS! LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING! "Eenie Meenie Miney Mo" is a nonsense rhyme. It has no place being in your song! You're literally saying that you're restraining women by their feet for being bad and won't release them until they scream loud enough for your satisfaction! If I said things like that, I'd be arrested! Ferb: (rapping) Eenie meenie miney mo, catch a bad chick by the toe, if she hollers, hollers, hollers.... Carl: I just heard Ferb Fletcher rap...It hasn't been a very good day. Carl: This girl has all the right to be indecisive. Her choices are the fat doofus and the toddler! (shows music video where Vanessa is ditching Monty for Ferb) Carl: (in a girly voice) Um, you smell like hamburgers, so I'm, like, going over here now. (shows Vanessa ditching Ferb for Monty) Carl: (in a girly voice) Oh my god, you're wearing Spongebob sneakers? Ew. I'm going back to the fat guy. Carl: As much as I despise Ferb Fletcher, I think we already see a clear winner in this battle. I don't see a lot of girls wearing Monty Monogram t-shirts and backpacks, just saying. As long as this chick is cool with pedophilia, I think Ferb has this one in the bag. Everyone eventually succumbs to attractiveness of (record scratch) What is he wearing!?(shows Ferb in the music video) Pink shirt, red belt. That is the least heterosexual outfit I've ever seen. And...is he wearing lipstick!? (a close up of Ferb's lips pops up) What is wrong with this kid's mouth!? Carl: "Eenie Meenie" was a concept that was stillborne and wrong from the beginning, and they somehow made it even worse. I would have to step back and reconsider this, even if I was a screaming Ferb fan (a picture of Fossy and Ferbluver screaming and wearing Ferb t-shirts pops up)......or a screaming Monty fan......I don't know what a Monty fan would look like. (a cutout of Monty's head covers Fossy and Ferbluver's heads) Carl: Eenie. (a picture of Monty pops up) Meenie. (a picture of Ferb pops up) Miney (a picture of Ferb and Monty together pops up). Mo. (a picture of Carl flipping the bird pops up) Screw the both of you, I'm out. (episode ends with Irving singing "I'll be your long haired lover from Liverpool") Memorable Quotes in "Cooler Than Albert" Carl: On to the important part, WHO THE (bleep) IS THIS GUY AND WHY DO I KNOW HE EXISTS!? My instant reaction to this song has been the same each and every time: This boy DOES NOT deserve to be famous. This song might as well be called "I Have No Star Qualities" by Nobody McLoser. The name of the song is called "Cooler Than Me". The name of the guy is Albert Du Bois. ALBERT DU BOIS, for crying out loud! Carl: By contrast, take a look at this guy. Ferb: I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ay-oh, gotta let go.... Carl: This is Ferb. He didn't even have a choice but to become a pop singer. Ferb is the name of a pop star, Albert washes your car. Carl: And you know that they're aware of that because they're just trying so hard to convince me that Albert is the hot new star of the future. Check out the video and look at him rocking out at his AWESOME CONCERT before heading off to the AWESOME AFTERPARTY. Crowd of people: ALBERT! ALBERT! ALBERT! Carl: PFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT! (sarcastically) Albert! Albert! Yeah, I'm sure. Carl: It's not just his name, or the song that's bad, it's EVERYTHING about the guy, especially his singing voice. Albert: But you don't know, the way that you look.... Carl: Listen to him. He's not so much singing as he is failing to rap. The only way I describe his singing style is comparing him to that guy who is singing along to his headphones, not realizing that other people around him can't hear him. (screen shows Carl with headphones on and singing) I'm the queen of Mars, I was invisible on Earth.... Albert: You got your high-brow, shoes on your feet, and you wear them around like it ain't (bleep).... Carl: BREATH CONTROL, (bleep)! SING FROM THE DIAPHRAAAAAAAM! Albert: If I could write you a song to make you fall in love, I would already have you up under my arm, I pull up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this, but you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me... Carl: Ah, yes The sad song about the poor guy who can't melt the icy cold heart of the popular girl. I'm familiar with these types of songs, not that I have any personal experience with them. (shows a clip of Carl crying after getting rejected) Carl: But when you write a song like that, you run the risk of looking sympathetic, or likeable. But fear not! Albert has a solution. So he spends the rest of the song detailing how she's a total snob and how mean she is. Seriously dude, get over it. You struck out. Move on. Albert: And you never say "hey" or remember my name, it's probably 'cause you think you're cooler than me.... Annotation: Y........E........S Carl:......YES! YES I THINK I'M COOLER THAN YOU! I THINKS TWELVE YEAR OLDS WHO WRITE CLICHE PHINABELLA STORIES ARE COOLER THAN YOU! Carl: I keep waiting for him to get to part where he explains why I'm not cooler than him, but he never gets there! This song just comes off as, "You think you're cooler than me? You think you're so cooler than me? Well, let me tell you something, you're a............. (scene censored while orchestra music plays)...................WASHING MACHINE! Yeah! I said it!" Albert: You got designer shades just to hide your face in, you wear them around like you're cooler than me.... Carl: (sarcastically) Oooh! Burn! I bet you think you're so in your trendy, overpriced sunglasses! (in his regular voice) Well, you don't realize that that makes you sound like a total........wait.........(shows scenes in the video with Albert wearing trendy, overpriced sunglasses) Oh, you're kidding me! Albert: You got your high-brow shoes on your feet, and you wear them around like it ain't (bleep). But you don't know, the way that you look when your steps make that much noise. Carl: ...That's what you're going with? That her footsteps are noisy? Okay, one, where are you trying to pick this girl up where you can hear her footsteps? A violin recital? Was she wearing tap shoes? Second, it's still not that much of an insult. (pretends to be Candace) Look, you are so out of my league and I am so not interested. (pretends to be Albert) Oh, yeah!? Well, you've got loud shoes! Carl: Seriously, you have to try a lot harder---- Albert: (in the song) Shhhh! Carl: DON'T SHUSH ME, YOU SNOT-NOSED LITTLE TWERP! Albert: And you never say hey, or remember my name... Carl: It is totally not her fault she can't remember your name, ALAN! So, you could go by A-Dawg, A87, Albert the Intern, AlbertInTheShadows, just get a decent stage name! Carl: If you wanna call Candace a (bleep), just call her a (bleep). Coltrane: (bleep) yousa sexy (bleep), a sexy (bleep)..... Carl:...No, not like that. Albert: Cause we all see you've got your head in the clouds... Carl: (sarcastically) We ALL see. Albert wrote this song, so he can say that the WHOLE CROWD can't stand her. Then they high five him for being so awesome, then he flirts with three hotter girls, then they fly to Nicaragua and save the president's daughter! Carl: (referring to Albert) Dude, YOU hit on her, YOU got shot down, YOU tried to impress her, Candace is, by definition, cooler than YOU. Her high-brow shoes and designer sunglasses must be doing something for her, otherwise you wouldn't be whining like a (bleep) about it. Albert: If I could write you a song to make you fall in love, I would already have you up under my arms... Carl: Well you don't...cause you can't...cause you suck...You see how that works, right? Carl: I label people EVERY time I see them. Let me do it right now. (picture of Jeremy pops up) This guy's a jerk. (picture of Coltrane pops up) This guy's a jerk. (picture of Irving pops up) This guy's a jerk. (picture of Gurgy pops up) Oh, yeah, that guy's a HUGE jerk. But you see, I don't spend my time sucking up to people who I think of as lame, which makes me ALSO cooler than Albert. Carl: You wanna know the sad part? The really, REALLY sad part? He's still hitting on Candace. Apparently, this is his last trick. Being a colossal (bleep) to the girl straight to her face. (sarcastically) Smooth, pal. I bet it works, too. Carl: And in the end, you just gotta feel sorry for him. Cause after he doesn't have any more hits, this is going to be a pretty embarrassing song to sing at the state fair ten years from now. (as the synth track of the song plays, Carl displays his lists of things cooler than Albert: the P&F Fanon wiki, getting driven to work by your mom, TGWTG.com, Gurgy, Batman, Linda Flynn, constantly self-Googling, and cornbread) Carl: Just watch. I'm going to be wrong, and he'll have millions of hits. That's how it always works. (episode ends) Trivia *The creator dislikes the first song, but thinks the second song is okay. *Mike Posner (the actual singer of "Cooler Than Me" has some more hits. One of them (Please Don't Go) is okay. The other song ("Bow Chicka Wow Wow") is terrible. Also, the second song is not related to P&F in any way. *The creator is cooler than Albert. *Cornbread, Gurgy, Batman, Linda Flynn, and whatever else the creator named is cooler than Albert. Category:Fanon Works Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Fan-Fiction Episodes Category:Albert Category:Ferb Fletcher Category:Reviews Category:Monty Monogram